Oh Mum at 1625hrs today it will be a month, a whole month since you passed. Mum it still doesn't seem real. I bless the fact I had to get to the hospital by 8am, now just sorry I didn't wake Alan up to take me when I woke at 6am and wanted to go would have had another couple of hours with you. I know you couldn't speak to me but just being able to sit with you, hold your hand, cuddle you for that bit longer would have been great, but then I guess i would still want more. I did have those 2 hrs till Michael and Mark came with you alone, able to tell you all I wanted to, how much I have always loved etc etc. I just wish when I asked you if you wanted to say something and told you to open your eyes if you did, and you did just a bit but enough for me to know you did want to speak and I removed the oxygen from your mouth and nose so you could try but all you could get out was noises, I wish I knew what you wanted to say and I know it must have been so frustrating to you not to be able to say what you wanted to say. I just pray it wasn't something you had always wanted to say but left it to late as that would have upset you. I could see how much your were suffering mum that is why I told you not once but a few times its ok for you to let go. I didn't want you to go mum, but I could not bare to see you in such pain and the painkillers not really helping fully but just drugging you, but without them as you know on the Friday morning you were in such pain which no one should bare. Mum please don't think I wanted you to go, maybe you think I did but I just didn't want you to suffer anymore......it was bad enough with your legs but the poison building up in your body was causing even more pain. How I wish you could have seen your legs, after all the time with them not healing, just you staying in bed those last 5 days they had already had healed so much, you died with almost normal legs, better than they had been in years. You were just so stubborn, I know the pain was bad, but see if you had just put up with it for a few days of staying in bed your legs would have healed enough for them not to pain you anymore, but your stubborness won and you would not sleep or lie in bed, sticking to your chair. Oh mum who would believe ulcerated legs would cause your death, well I know it was you failed kidneys, but it was your legs losing the fluid and you insisting on staying in your chair that caused to much fluid to be lost and you kidneys to be damaged and then they failed and nothing could be done to help them. Your stubborness really did kill you. But then that was you. Mum I will always love you and oh how I just want to give you a big big hug and hear your voice again. God bless you mum, be happy now with all your family and friends and watch over Danielle and tell her I will always love her she is still my child and always will be, never less loved by me because she is here no more and I know her brothers and sister miss her also.